I guess I will blog here

 While I know that nobody in my house knows about this blog, I guess I can write about how I am feeling and about the work I am doing. I waited awhile for this, but honestly, I think that I might be single at the end of this year due to the actions of a certain friend who is now moving further and further to being a former. 

This morning, I was getting ready for work, I was just using the bathroom, while my roommate has promised to fix the running issue with the toilet. The person in question knew this as well is sleeping on a cot in the basement. 

As I was grabbing my things to leave, he storms upstairs and starts to yell at me about it, I was stunned and thought I left the sink going, but it was the toilet. Basically I felt like I had to now walk a mile to a Circle K near the bus stop to brush my hair and teeth, because I made too much noise 

My fiancé acted as if I was blowing this out as drama, so I guess the relationship is over. I am now single, not that I wanted that now. It is his choice and while I now I have to find a new place to live because my roommate doesn't want me without my fiancé around. So I am now just finding out that I am losing my home and I just lost the relationship all because my fiancé's friend yelled at me. 

I think I am just going to state it, "I will never date or marry or love anyone other than a cat." I will just make my statement that if I have to be single, I'm going to be MISERABLE to be around and just be mean to every potential male or female who doesn't qualify under MY standards of what I want. 

How I see it, I am going to be so damn picky that even making friends will be harder. I don't want to ever be hurt like this again, I really think all people who are from Castle Pines CO, Parker CO are ASSHOLES! 

I never want to go there even if it has pretty places to take pictures at, I know that for a fact that it is just full of ugly people who have no love in their lives. 

I wish I could write something more positive and feel like the entire world around me is just a misery for me to be here. I love how I used to smile and pretend that being yelled at was OK, but it isn't anymore, my fiance calls me toxic. Well, this is a toxic place to be in, so I am just going to build a wall that he can't scale to get to me, I'm just going to be in my shell.

Even if I stay in the relationship, I want to be distant as I can be now, even if this friend is present, I just want to grab my stuff and disappear or just go into a different zone when it comes to me. I think that if I start to distance myself from everyone and just be as secretive as I can, I won't be hurt like this again. I don't blame my fiance he was not the one at fault for this, but his friend was. I will never blame my fiance for the actions that his friends have done. I tried to fit into their cookie cutter, and I can't do it, I'm just going to be a recluse.

I decided that I will just leave all the groups that my fiance and I are in and I just have to walk away from the idea that we're a couple unless we're in public. I can put on the show of the happy girlfriend but I will just be pretending to be someone else as long as they don't notice. I put this act on before when I was around my former roommates.

The other solution is hide behind my writing and just write my novels and pretend nothing is wrong with these people. Just become a hollow shell and not really do anything about the problems anymore, just pack up things and just write whatever I want and hopefully nobody finds out about it all. 

I know for a fact that my fiance doesn't know about this blog and I know he won't bother looking for it when I am just plotting ways to just exist and not exist at the same time. The fact is I gave up on the Lord and Lady Blessing me for anything, I just have to work really hard. 

I figured if I work harder now than ever, I won't get hurt again, I just feel like this was ruined all because of something I had no control over. Now I have to figure out what I am doing with my life, I just know that I can't stay with my fiance anymore, I know we can't be a couple anymore because it is just too hard to be together now. 

While I know that we have been a couple since 2010, its been an amazing 11 years, but sadly it has to come to an end eventually. Nothing ever stays the way it should, and since I'm too flawed, I can't be with anyone.

I picked the one person I felt was it, then it just fell apart, I'm at fault for this and I honestly know that it will always be me. I can't fix it and it will just have to fester for a long time, I hate my life, I always lived in my sister's damn shadow, and yet...why did she have to be the one to die? It should have been me. If I had died, nobody would have missed me or had anything nice to say about me. My sister was more active in the family, I was just the stupid dreamer and Star Wars fan loser. 

The dream of writing a book is the most stupid thing I ever came up with, no one will read it and I know no one would want it to continue. I just felt the need to write down as much as I can just before I have to leave this blog. 

Truthfully, I wish I could have found something better with my life, I write a stupid novel and yet here I am just wondering if I should just tell people I'm talented at all. 

While I think about this, I wonder what will happen, if I stay, I have to endure more emotional distrust and hatred aimed at me by a person who thinks my existence is bad. Or if I just chose to look for jobs in another state like I am looking through my company, I don't want to leave, but I know for a fact that stay with these people, I am just going to be treated like I am drama.

I am also going to cease working on projects at home and go out as much as I can to build up income to leave for good. I know I love my fiance, but the relationship is dying and fast, I feel like its just not a good thing for either of us. I love him, but I have to think what's good for us both for a change.

Had to Switch Accounts

 Due to work, I had to change this account to work with my work account so I can get a certain application to work. I can no longer use this blogger unless I am at work for whatever reason. So for those getting book news I have a new blog so I will be getting that to you as soon as possible, if you go to LJ: NagiNaoe101, you will find more information. Thanks for following me

Went to Denver Pop Culture Con

While I usually write all the time, I am still a little tired at times of these kind of things, but it was a must see event. I am still tired from yesterday and laughed a little at the idea. I'm a bit on the road to getting the final bits of editing done. As my Tumblr is saying it, I am ready and I will start typing it again.

So I am going to post a few pics of what I have seen.

As I am a weakling for The Magicians series, I had to go see Summer Bushil and it was awesome to meet the woman who signed my copy of the book. ^_^ I am very pleased with that and inspired.

So as you can see, I am finding other fans of the show, so I am totally pleased! I am happy to see the fact that we are out there.

Now I must get to the grind stone of sorts start working on my own story. I am setting up my space again in my room and we will be preparing to type up the story I have worked so ard on and there will be more artwork. This is my excitement!

Hello! I'm back!

All right, so apparently, I lost my author's page on Google+ oh well...I will be working on a new author's page soon, and might be putting it on...FB. So far I am not going to be going into detail of what I have been doing the last few months, most of it has been working on panels, other on my book...the rest is just me sleeping.

I am battling a head cold so I am not entirely awake while writing this. V_V Sorry but that happens when you are ill.

Other than that convention news I will be at StarFest 2019 on Saturday and hanging with my sister. We are horror and sci-fi buffs so no lie this will be the best ever, its the first time we sisters are seen in public and she has met people in my crowd.

I am getting read for 2019

I am still tired, I'm still working toward my book and also doing some writing contests.

I got to go to Daku Con which was a great convention the people there were amazing, I'm hoping when the conventions are for next year, I get to 2 of them. Sadly for me I have to take a break due to money and also my own health which took a bit of a back seat.

I am partially blind at the moment considering I have a cataract in my right eye. So seeing is kind of a pain in the neck, but as this is a writing blog I need to work on getting through this whole thing and start writing more.

I have met some great people in a chat room on FB who are giving me some clarity of what  want as a writer. I have tried to vent about it to my fiance which was not the greatest idea, but it was still a good way to get my head on straight about what I want in a story.

Truthfully Daku Con was the great end of the year and it was a wonderful moment in my life that I could see the world around me. Things have changed and people have changed so I don't hate the things that happened in my past, and I have Lynn to thank for also being an inspiration for a character because my old Vixen is certainly going to need Lynn.

I am at Daku Con, no pics yet

Well...I am doing the run through of my panels and enjoying a bit of a break even though I am still worrying about my laptop, my panels for tomorrow are not as extensive or weird. Though this one which is my Japanese Urban Legends panel is still pretty big and one of the ones that I spent the most time researching and working with.

I am giving credit to blameitonjorge, a YouTuber who is very interesting and has posted some interesting media as of late that has made my panels much easier on the research end. He also does a lot of work that has gotten me information that I would not regularly find just by doing more research into my panel. The truth is that research and also working with others helps get the information and I do love having to look at his profile and also learn he is a great person to talk to regarding the work.

I am still trying to finish up some of the research just for tonight and hope that I don't mess up. I'm going to be working through not just this, but next year's panel on Japanese Horror Media and a few other crazy Japanese stories.

I am also going to be getting a group together to do "Ghost Shit! Ghost Story: Audience Participation and Shit Show!" It is me making fun of the show and also allowing the audience to give some feedback to this Anime flop.

As for my writing panel, which is the smallest concern, I am doing something on Adult Fan Fiction and also how to write complicated adult situations. The truth is that smut is not always the easiest thing to write and yeah, I am going to be sending people to a porn fiction site that will help in writing sex scenes. Sometimes you have to go to a porn site just to get that kind of help, it helped me write those scenes a few times in adult fan fiction (and no I don't do rape). The truth is that many people are pretty strange when it comes to that kind of things...so I have to make that point that not everyone will be comfortable about going to a site that is also talking about sex constantly.

The last panel is a fan panel, so that one is not going to be as annoying as the writing one, though I am excited about showing some funny stuff to people even with NO DVD player. Hell, pointing people to sits and crazy shit helps.

Ready to test out!

Yup, that is right, I am revamping the entire story yet again, the truth is, I was frustrated the last few times I sat down to type it up and then went screw it! The truth is, that even when I'm ready to write, I'm about to throw in the towel...there is just something so frustrating about this.

So yeah, I am giving myself a bit of a break and starting to work on some panels for Daku Con 2019, yeah, I am planning ahead of schedule as I planned last year for the panels for 2018. The fact is, that I start that work and research right after con and start working through the problems and then updating information if I need it.

Also for next year, I am going to do round one of real editing for my book.

I am dropping out of StarFest 2019 due to scheduling conflicts with Colorado Anime Fest, I can go to one, but not both!

Daku Con is a few days away and I finished up work on the panels just within days. I am also working to help friends out. My former friend, Lynda is going to be there and yes, we made up in the most awesome way because guess what she is basically having the same medical problems and we both need someone to lean on to talk things out with. She also looks like she needs really good friends other than the three she has currently, so my friends and I are going to be adopting her!