While I know that nobody in my house knows about this blog, I guess I can write about how I am feeling and about the work I am doing. I waited awhile for this, but honestly, I think that I might be single at the end of this year due to the actions of a certain friend who is now moving further and further to being a former.
This morning, I was getting ready for work, I was just using the bathroom, while my roommate has promised to fix the running issue with the toilet. The person in question knew this as well is sleeping on a cot in the basement.
As I was grabbing my things to leave, he storms upstairs and starts to yell at me about it, I was stunned and thought I left the sink going, but it was the toilet. Basically I felt like I had to now walk a mile to a Circle K near the bus stop to brush my hair and teeth, because I made too much noise
My fiancé acted as if I was blowing this out as drama, so I guess the relationship is over. I am now single, not that I wanted that now. It is his choice and while I now I have to find a new place to live because my roommate doesn't want me without my fiancé around. So I am now just finding out that I am losing my home and I just lost the relationship all because my fiancé's friend yelled at me.
I think I am just going to state it, "I will never date or marry or love anyone other than a cat." I will just make my statement that if I have to be single, I'm going to be MISERABLE to be around and just be mean to every potential male or female who doesn't qualify under MY standards of what I want.
How I see it, I am going to be so damn picky that even making friends will be harder. I don't want to ever be hurt like this again, I really think all people who are from Castle Pines CO, Parker CO are ASSHOLES!
I never want to go there even if it has pretty places to take pictures at, I know that for a fact that it is just full of ugly people who have no love in their lives.
I wish I could write something more positive and feel like the entire world around me is just a misery for me to be here. I love how I used to smile and pretend that being yelled at was OK, but it isn't anymore, my fiance calls me toxic. Well, this is a toxic place to be in, so I am just going to build a wall that he can't scale to get to me, I'm just going to be in my shell.
Even if I stay in the relationship, I want to be distant as I can be now, even if this friend is present, I just want to grab my stuff and disappear or just go into a different zone when it comes to me. I think that if I start to distance myself from everyone and just be as secretive as I can, I won't be hurt like this again. I don't blame my fiance he was not the one at fault for this, but his friend was. I will never blame my fiance for the actions that his friends have done. I tried to fit into their cookie cutter, and I can't do it, I'm just going to be a recluse.
I decided that I will just leave all the groups that my fiance and I are in and I just have to walk away from the idea that we're a couple unless we're in public. I can put on the show of the happy girlfriend but I will just be pretending to be someone else as long as they don't notice. I put this act on before when I was around my former roommates.
The other solution is hide behind my writing and just write my novels and pretend nothing is wrong with these people. Just become a hollow shell and not really do anything about the problems anymore, just pack up things and just write whatever I want and hopefully nobody finds out about it all.
I know for a fact that my fiance doesn't know about this blog and I know he won't bother looking for it when I am just plotting ways to just exist and not exist at the same time. The fact is I gave up on the Lord and Lady Blessing me for anything, I just have to work really hard.
I figured if I work harder now than ever, I won't get hurt again, I just feel like this was ruined all because of something I had no control over. Now I have to figure out what I am doing with my life, I just know that I can't stay with my fiance anymore, I know we can't be a couple anymore because it is just too hard to be together now.
While I know that we have been a couple since 2010, its been an amazing 11 years, but sadly it has to come to an end eventually. Nothing ever stays the way it should, and since I'm too flawed, I can't be with anyone.
I picked the one person I felt was it, then it just fell apart, I'm at fault for this and I honestly know that it will always be me. I can't fix it and it will just have to fester for a long time, I hate my life, I always lived in my sister's damn shadow, and yet...why did she have to be the one to die? It should have been me. If I had died, nobody would have missed me or had anything nice to say about me. My sister was more active in the family, I was just the stupid dreamer and Star Wars fan loser.
The dream of writing a book is the most stupid thing I ever came up with, no one will read it and I know no one would want it to continue. I just felt the need to write down as much as I can just before I have to leave this blog.
Truthfully, I wish I could have found something better with my life, I write a stupid novel and yet here I am just wondering if I should just tell people I'm talented at all.
While I think about this, I wonder what will happen, if I stay, I have to endure more emotional distrust and hatred aimed at me by a person who thinks my existence is bad. Or if I just chose to look for jobs in another state like I am looking through my company, I don't want to leave, but I know for a fact that stay with these people, I am just going to be treated like I am drama.
I am also going to cease working on projects at home and go out as much as I can to build up income to leave for good. I know I love my fiance, but the relationship is dying and fast, I feel like its just not a good thing for either of us. I love him, but I have to think what's good for us both for a change.
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