I am getting read for 2019

I am still tired, I'm still working toward my book and also doing some writing contests.

I got to go to Daku Con which was a great convention the people there were amazing, I'm hoping when the conventions are for next year, I get to 2 of them. Sadly for me I have to take a break due to money and also my own health which took a bit of a back seat.

I am partially blind at the moment considering I have a cataract in my right eye. So seeing is kind of a pain in the neck, but as this is a writing blog I need to work on getting through this whole thing and start writing more.

I have met some great people in a chat room on FB who are giving me some clarity of what  want as a writer. I have tried to vent about it to my fiance which was not the greatest idea, but it was still a good way to get my head on straight about what I want in a story.

Truthfully Daku Con was the great end of the year and it was a wonderful moment in my life that I could see the world around me. Things have changed and people have changed so I don't hate the things that happened in my past, and I have Lynn to thank for also being an inspiration for a character because my old Vixen is certainly going to need Lynn.

I am at Daku Con, no pics yet

Well...I am doing the run through of my panels and enjoying a bit of a break even though I am still worrying about my laptop, my panels for tomorrow are not as extensive or weird. Though this one which is my Japanese Urban Legends panel is still pretty big and one of the ones that I spent the most time researching and working with.

I am giving credit to blameitonjorge, a YouTuber who is very interesting and has posted some interesting media as of late that has made my panels much easier on the research end. He also does a lot of work that has gotten me information that I would not regularly find just by doing more research into my panel. The truth is that research and also working with others helps get the information and I do love having to look at his profile and also learn he is a great person to talk to regarding the work.

I am still trying to finish up some of the research just for tonight and hope that I don't mess up. I'm going to be working through not just this, but next year's panel on Japanese Horror Media and a few other crazy Japanese stories.

I am also going to be getting a group together to do "Ghost Shit! Ghost Story: Audience Participation and Shit Show!" It is me making fun of the show and also allowing the audience to give some feedback to this Anime flop.

As for my writing panel, which is the smallest concern, I am doing something on Adult Fan Fiction and also how to write complicated adult situations. The truth is that smut is not always the easiest thing to write and yeah, I am going to be sending people to a porn fiction site that will help in writing sex scenes. Sometimes you have to go to a porn site just to get that kind of help, it helped me write those scenes a few times in adult fan fiction (and no I don't do rape). The truth is that many people are pretty strange when it comes to that kind of things...so I have to make that point that not everyone will be comfortable about going to a site that is also talking about sex constantly.

The last panel is a fan panel, so that one is not going to be as annoying as the writing one, though I am excited about showing some funny stuff to people even with NO DVD player. Hell, pointing people to sits and crazy shit helps.

Ready to test out!

Yup, that is right, I am revamping the entire story yet again, the truth is, I was frustrated the last few times I sat down to type it up and then went screw it! The truth is, that even when I'm ready to write, I'm about to throw in the towel...there is just something so frustrating about this.

So yeah, I am giving myself a bit of a break and starting to work on some panels for Daku Con 2019, yeah, I am planning ahead of schedule as I planned last year for the panels for 2018. The fact is, that I start that work and research right after con and start working through the problems and then updating information if I need it.

Also for next year, I am going to do round one of real editing for my book.

I am dropping out of StarFest 2019 due to scheduling conflicts with Colorado Anime Fest, I can go to one, but not both!

Daku Con is a few days away and I finished up work on the panels just within days. I am also working to help friends out. My former friend, Lynda is going to be there and yes, we made up in the most awesome way because guess what she is basically having the same medical problems and we both need someone to lean on to talk things out with. She also looks like she needs really good friends other than the three she has currently, so my friends and I are going to be adopting her!

About to give up...

People are cruel, that is a given, the truth is that yes, a short story was a victim, but it was my name attached to it and I felt terrible for writing it. Most often times there are is a sense of regret to write a story about something I like, I am just not trying to let it get to me, but it made me question my worth as a writer.

I know it was a review from nearly 10 years ago, but it haunts me still.

I was terrified my former friend would know the truth. The fact is that after 2015, she was not so close to me, but I knew she was upsetting me a bit. The fact is that many people who get upset with me are the ones who think I might write something I regret in my own story.

I have no patience for some people and it was because of that that it gets me in trouble. I had a former friend who was homeless and he mooched off me as a friend and it hurt, I figured most homeless by choice believe as he does. I was angry and lashed out because people need to stop using others to get by.

I worked so hard and yet, I had a former friend who tore me a new one for actually using Obamacare for my medical issue and then was shamed for even getting sick. I was later told by others he has cancer himself and yet, he used the fact I did preventive cancer treatments as something cosmetic. I was furious and lashed out at people who seemed to believe that being sick was my fault.

Now as I write my book and I realized one thing that even if I publish, I could be expected to deal with these said people or person again. The most trying is that one of them acts as if in order to be friends with a person, one has to change for her benefit and no one else's. She also expected me to give up writing The Dragon's Library and write in a style that was not mine.

I don't understand the whole concept of making modernization when it benefits little to anyone when it is in the concept of writing. I write what I feel is needed and to have fun, the fact is that if it was work like some Ghost Writer, I would rather die. I am writing for myself and for fun, and people should understand. I never understood people who put down others just to make themselves look big, this is why I find people who tell me to grow up and that my concept of imagination is mentally ill.

I have dreamed of being a writer since I was little and yet, we have these so-called supporters of one group or other telling others to grow up or else. Since when has imagination been a mental illness? 

Unintentional going to con, NDK

Yes, I am a Colorado local and I attended Nan Desu Kan only from Sunday and did not intend much interest of it. I am usually interested in Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and novels, not much interest in Anime due to past drama inside their community. They seem to only focus on what is popular and not care about other's feelings and it kind of hurts when you have people who think that you are just a doormat to walk on.

The truth is, I had fun because there were a bunch of people who like the same kind of Anime I like, one being Slayers, Detective Conan, and a few others. I have been inspired as a writer when it comes to stories like these. Slayers reminded me of Dungeons and Dragons and sometimes even Legend. I wish some people would realize that I have a great love also for Detective Conan who is an amazing character who gets little to no respect in the fandom.

Truthfully, I would love to be a fan again and enjoy it, but after hearing about what happened to someone and a bunch of drama that followed, there is a reason I kind of want to stay away more. I will be cosplaying Detective Conan for fun, nothing competitive and I just think people who do something out of spite are immature. There are reasons that many people do not like us, we bring so much baggage nowadays.

I would much rather go back to NDK with the memories I have with the first time seeing models and also enjoying the artshow. That is the most honest answer I can give as M.M. Fenney the writer, the person who people wanted as a doormat kind of died, and she wants to just go back to being who she is. The writer in me will mention that as I see this, I want to go to see the models, the amazing artists and also the people in artist alley.

The sad news is my eyes are not always what they used to be and I have a cataract in one eye so seeing is the hardest part for me. So here I was talking to people and walking a con floor with a migraine from hell, and Aspirin does not work for me AT ALL! So yes, I am taking four tiny pills of aspirin to just function at a convention. Gee...I hope I can get this fixed soon.

So anyway with the con out of the way and I am ordering pictures, I will be ready for Daku Con, my panels are set.

My Panel's Are Up

Basically, I'm working on my panels for 2018-2019, yes, these are pretty late in the year, but Daku Con is in November and Colorado Anime Fest is in April 2019. So here I am at the end of July working on something I should have started back in June and compiling information. The truth is I was distracted by working on both my book and a fanfic.

While I admit yes, fan fiction was and is still a thing I do some of the time, it is to blow off steam and honestly, some don't end up on my pages due to issues I have had with some people. The reviews I got back in the day are pretty damn funny and yes, I cannot believe I wrote some of these stories because in all yes, they are all pretty bad.

My fiance has found me an artist for my book even though some of my artwork is my own doing and still as you can see for my blog, yes, some of the artwork is MINE. Truthfully I do not talk about the book work at the moment because I had a bit of a shock to deal with.

I have my opinions on books and have always disliked C.S. Lewis because he seemed to be always talking Religiously about things in his novels. There are just some things I try to avoid in my writing and that is putting a religion on my characters or an overtone of religions. The fact that I have one species in my story that live entirely without magic and yet are perfectly all right with that kind of things. Then there is the fact I did not write my stories to focus on religious aspects.

So that has been it so far. I am not really up for much chatter on the matter of the book work right now, it is more I am finishing up details and closing out my first book, then unto the second and third.

Delayed yet again and panels for November

I am delayed in finishing my posts yet again, and this is all due to my own problems being tired and working. Does not help that I am floating myself and fiance and the only breadwinner right now, so my focus has been split down the middle between bills that are late and my panels.

I am working on three panels, two are finished and finalized, the other is yet to have its powerpoint built so don't try and get me to write it all down. I am still researching material on Japanese Urban Legends.

I am also tired of being asked to do things and then at the last minute a friend or someone else will back out so yeah, that kind of happens. 

The saddest part is I cannot make Westercon this year and will be working on my panels and also writing my stories. Writing fantasy is getting harder and with how I see the world changing negatively, I am terrified if I do publish, my story will be lost in the midst of people who do not understand me. T_T Such is the way of things, but I will be working more

Setting up for writing draft 1

I have started working on my first draft, but my confidence is kind of shot, truthfully, I'm basically feeling cheap.The fact is I refused to allow my ex to touch any draft of the book I am working on and the reason is simple. He thinks he is all that an a bag of chips, mostly he feels he is entitled to stuff and comes from money. I really do not feel it makes him worth while to edit me or speak to me on the matter of my own writing.

I have been attempting to brighten my mood and I have not eaten in a day, which is not normal, usually I will have cereal or something, but I am just not interested in eating while I write. Not to mention, considering that right now, I am alienated to my writing, considering my ex is snippy and likes to dominate a room and attention.

I cannot afford to move out and live alone, but I really wish I could give my fiance his space and his friends. I would accept a job in Broomfield.

A convention attempt

I made it to Colorado Anime Fest on its last day, I was very impressed with the convention and for the most part of the people who were there. I would not mind working this convention as a panelist and also being again able to bring people the love of what research can bring.

The truth is, today was an escape from worrying about writing, I was wanting to just sit down and enjoy my photography and enjoy a convention.

This escape made so much easier and also made it more fun to come up with ideas of what my world in my stories should be like. I am trying so hard to convey something and somehow going to Colorado Anime Fest was well worth it.

I am still working on that dang scene

I have not spoken about what is going on in the scene in general because I have been sworn not talk about it. The truth is, that a scene of which a person gets their ego knocked down to the point he kind of deserves doesn't always work.

A scene that I was unhappy with...

Musculed through a scene that I did not like and though it was part of the story, I decided not to talk about it for a while, but now that I fixed it, at least I hope so.

A character based off an Anime....Full Metal Panic! (NOT ALCHEMIST)

Okay, I loved the series Full Metal Panic! yes, that's the series, it is freaking silly and also there is a few problems with the show. I did realize it was a comedy.

Also I designed a character with the cast of the show in mind, the truth is one of the characters is actually from the show. There was just so much weird crap from the show that I had to work on.

Trying to take a break

I had a stressful break brought on the fact that there is just someone that comes to the house who just wants me to move out. Me being there just throws everything off for him, he thinks his way is the only way to do anything. When I set a boundary I'm suddenly the one at fault, so I decided to give up and let this person just have their way.

Truthfully, people say this is your home, but when this person is here, it is NOT my home, I'm just something in the way. Even when I came home from my bike ride, he just acted like I wasted time and did something wrong. He was glaring at me or waiting for me to ask what I did wrong.

The truth is I was sort of talking about the issue that bike might have if I check the shocks again and I will be checking the rest of the tire pressure and stance. This is the first time I owned a bike like this that is purely a mountain bike that has a few constructional issues. Something I will bring up to Lee and only him when we're alone.

The truth is that this has slowed down the Dragon's Library because if I even publish, this one person will persist that Lee and I did this with his help. I want to independently publish and not deal with some richie rich like this person. The truth is, I don't think rich people will read what I have to write and I do not even think that I want the rich to read my book because they will just be some kind of snob and act like I owe them something.

I have never liked rich people, they always snub the poor and treat others like they are supposed to be walked on. I get tired of being walked on, when I write the book it is my freedom from their limits. I want to write because it is something I love.

Welcome to February...

Here I am wondering where the hell do I type up half my stuff for the book, and I'm doing book reviews on top of all this. I have had to deal with so much weird stuff. Then I fund out my work computer does not have word or anything I can use that is like it...ugh!

I asked myself a hundred weird questions and end up dreaming up my next part of the Planor adventures, while I'm still stuck in second half of first book, while my brain is somewhere in book 2. If this doesn't help me, I don't know what will.

So far, I will be doing an outline of a new character, putting together a side story, then working on closing out the month with a huge yell and shout to some people.

Also as of April, StarFest and Daku Con maybe the only conventions for the entire year, and also I was hoping to do some testing on The Dragon's Library test readings with a few friends. I read the story to my friend, Angel who was jumping on the bed in our hotel room asking for more. Now I have to complete the story or I won't hear the end of it.

The Ugh Moment

I'm going to speak up and say there are ugh moments and one of them are just having to write and then getting that urge to throw the laptop across the room in frustration. I have to be editing work then I have to sit through this.

I will be trying yet again to sit down and edit my work.

First Post of the New Year

People can punish me later for neglecting my page, sorry for that, I have been busy and trying to cope with sickness and less sleep. I opted to not say much on that part considering it isn't cool to have my thoughts on what I can do regarding my editing.

So far, the goals for this year is to get this damn book done! I'm tired of playing around.