Welcome to February...

Here I am wondering where the hell do I type up half my stuff for the book, and I'm doing book reviews on top of all this. I have had to deal with so much weird stuff. Then I fund out my work computer does not have word or anything I can use that is like it...ugh!

I asked myself a hundred weird questions and end up dreaming up my next part of the Planor adventures, while I'm still stuck in second half of first book, while my brain is somewhere in book 2. If this doesn't help me, I don't know what will.

So far, I will be doing an outline of a new character, putting together a side story, then working on closing out the month with a huge yell and shout to some people.

Also as of April, StarFest and Daku Con maybe the only conventions for the entire year, and also I was hoping to do some testing on The Dragon's Library test readings with a few friends. I read the story to my friend, Angel who was jumping on the bed in our hotel room asking for more. Now I have to complete the story or I won't hear the end of it.

The Ugh Moment

I'm going to speak up and say there are ugh moments and one of them are just having to write and then getting that urge to throw the laptop across the room in frustration. I have to be editing work then I have to sit through this.

I will be trying yet again to sit down and edit my work.

First Post of the New Year

People can punish me later for neglecting my page, sorry for that, I have been busy and trying to cope with sickness and less sleep. I opted to not say much on that part considering it isn't cool to have my thoughts on what I can do regarding my editing.

So far, the goals for this year is to get this damn book done! I'm tired of playing around.

Remembering Carrie Fisher

So I went to the movies, Carrie Fisher was someone I admired when I was a kid, my childhood was always something of a horror story to me, but her and Mark Hamill for whatever reason made me feel like it was OK to say, "I'm a Nerd, got a problem?" The truth is that I didn't know how much the woman meant to my childhood and my life, until she was suddenly gone from it, I never knew her personally, but all those times I looked on Twitter while I was recovering from surgery, she was posting some cryptic message that we had to solve in order to get what she was saying. It was kind of a comforting that she would post something so strange, yet the fact that when people complained about her age, she suddenly liked what I said about her.

"Carrie Fisher is like Fine Wine, only gets better as she gets older," I think that was what I posted and suddenly I get a like and the question of what I was drinking, kind of hard when you just had cervix surgery and on painkiller, but it was kind of nice to know someone liked what I was posting. I did not care really what some trolls were saying, she was the queen of just shutting a bunch of idiotic trolls up and making them realize she was not going to play their game.

The truth remains that if I publish, this no name author just decided to post one thing dedicated to her because honestly, one of my characters was modeled after her and truthfully, it fits, a really interesting character at that. I was adding her in back in 2016 and finally put her in the story just recently. Though Carrie Fisher and a few others are a mix of personalities, but I think Ripple the Vixen Mage is going to do just fine at the moment with that "I'm hard to understand," kind of mood that I was just happy to say, "Yeah, I was kind of watching Star Wars interviews when I was writing."

The truth is that I was asked if I wanted an actor to play a character, and I was joking when I said, well, Boyega would make a great Thadeus Belsom and Mark Hamill would make for an amazing voice for a dragon mage. So that is my two cents on that little goofy question in my writer's group. Not that Mark Hamill would voice a large overgrown fire breathing handbag who thinks that whole of my world is made up with crazy critters is worth a rescue.

Honestly though, when I think about my day today and that I just decided to walk around, I took pictures and spent my time wondering what I should do for 2018 and finalize my draft for editing. Gods, I'm still can't believe the first half of my book is almos finished.

Writing my ideas...

I took a week off from the book and had to rethink how to go about doing this because, in 2018, I'm going to make the official draft of the story and hand it to my fiance to edit. I'm going to also be working on the second half of the story.

Also, I'm going to be going to StarFest and Daku Con, I'm not planning anything else for that year, I'm kind of tired and want to start getting the story finished off. I have been paranoid but that's just me. I have thought about my goal of 1,000 books and wonder if I'm being a bit over the top. I know for sure that by 2020, I will read a 1,000 or more books and make sure that it is used to drown out all this discord.

I figured that reading is the best escape ever. The US is such a misery to live in at times, listening to racists who think that it is OK to do this. I really don't want people to think that my characters are related as racist characters. I drew out one character to show the dangers of religous zealots and also as a model of what a control freak is.

With the new Net Neutrality being dropped, I'm just hoping I still talk on here and still have the net.

Why do people persist I continue

After my last post, i was bombarded with people telling me to continue my story and not be turned off. The honest factor is, even if I continue, there is one underlying factor, one person who might dig it up and come up and demand money for it, Eryn. The truth is I do not speak about my own thoughts on it because I know she will demand money that is not rightfully hers to request.

The story in itself has nothing to do with her or even her family, there is no dark secret in there, other than the fact I know her family are White Supremacists who barely tolerate Pagans. They have spoken so coldly in the past of how they felt superior to others and frowned on Eryn's many ethnically different friends.

I have felt uncomfortable about dealing with their family directly after finding out the truth. I never wanted to tell anyone the truth about how I realized how bad it was. Her family seemed so nice and friendly to myself and her other friends, but deep down, you can tell there was a horrible nagging feeling that they really did not like us.

I am scared that the Dragon's Library could actually dig up old wounds, but in a case, maybe it should be finished. I am hoping that I can at least get my artwork and the world I built so largely to escape into. The more I think about it, the more I want to just dig in my heels and go, welcome to the Dragon's Library, and if you are so conservative to reject it, then guess what, there is a door! I am suggesting maybe I should write the rest of the story, publish and watch from behind the screen and see what happens. 

This might be the last entry

As fun as it is to write about my adventures in writing, but I have basically run out of story to write. As much as I can say something, Dragon's Library may never be published, I'm just not that good and it shows with the fact I lack the confidence to finish it.

As much as I want to finish the story, I can't...and for that I'm sorry. As much as I love to write stories about places that do not exist and about people who are amazing. I love Belsom, Quil'reca, Kel, Belinda and Dreselia, I'm just going to give up on this pipe dream, that's what it was. I wrote the story because I lost a good friend  that I thought would last me a lifetime, but she would have rather run away from someone who did love her to a DJ who falsely claims we went to school together.

I personally wrote a character or characters that were so close to my friends, I made up stories to tell people about an amazing library that was kept by a fantastic lizard who loved his books and magic, but what a fool I am to believe anyone would read something I would write. Truthfully, as someone who went through the US Special Education program, I'm not supposed to be having this creative of a mind, and I'm supposed to be institutionalized, at least that is what a teacher told me once. As soon as a Special Ed kid graduates from high school, we're supposed to go to the state run nut houses and be committed for being considered unsuitable to live, at least that was what I was raised all my life to believe. My mom did not raise me, the schools did and that having this kind of story in my head is for the mind of a madman.

The truth is, how can I write anymore about the Dragon's Library when my confidence is so damn low that I can't even believe I write anything amazing. I see all the great books in the world and I think I can one day be sitting there watching people reading something I made and enjoy. Each time I wrote about Dreselia, I never thought about money, I thought about his story, that something just had to be said.

The first thing I wanted was a library filled with dragons, just dragons in every bookshelf, filled and protecting the beloved books. I wanted to shut myself off from contact because I was hurt by this one friend so horribly that no one could break the spell. Then Angel came along and asked me to tell a story, to tell her about the great and magical library and I never could finish the story. I wrote it all down in notebooks, I have the real story just in my head still and I decided to stop writing it because it will just upset myself more knowing that even if I published, I might be laughed at or ridiculed.

The one thing I hated growing up was being ridiculed and made fun of, having all the stories in my head, writing them down and then having a teacher tell me that my idea was stupid. Being sent off to the special ed room because  could not keep up with what I was supposed to be doing and then being forced down to a subpar level and being told, "What do expect?" What did I expect? I don't know, maybe I should just tell people what I expect, to actually read my book and tell me that I'm not a total moron! I mean, honestly, I get called names like Snowflake, Libtard (which isn't a real word), and worse things now. To the point that maybe I have thought about just taking my own life and letting the library die with me, but my fiance keeps pulling me out.

I'm tired of the name calling the being treated like I do not matter in this world, I want to make a book that people want to read, that a fantasy fan can relate to. I want that one girl who looks at Belinda, no matter the race can say, "Hey, she's talking about me, I want to be a mage. I want to be exactly like Belinda Greene and fighting evil mages." I want to be something other than being reminded of being a Special Ed and being rejected by the very people I wanted to accept me.