About to give up...

People are cruel, that is a given, the truth is that yes, a short story was a victim, but it was my name attached to it and I felt terrible for writing it. Most often times there are is a sense of regret to write a story about something I like, I am just not trying to let it get to me, but it made me question my worth as a writer.

I know it was a review from nearly 10 years ago, but it haunts me still.

I was terrified my former friend would know the truth. The fact is that after 2015, she was not so close to me, but I knew she was upsetting me a bit. The fact is that many people who get upset with me are the ones who think I might write something I regret in my own story.

I have no patience for some people and it was because of that that it gets me in trouble. I had a former friend who was homeless and he mooched off me as a friend and it hurt, I figured most homeless by choice believe as he does. I was angry and lashed out because people need to stop using others to get by.

I worked so hard and yet, I had a former friend who tore me a new one for actually using Obamacare for my medical issue and then was shamed for even getting sick. I was later told by others he has cancer himself and yet, he used the fact I did preventive cancer treatments as something cosmetic. I was furious and lashed out at people who seemed to believe that being sick was my fault.

Now as I write my book and I realized one thing that even if I publish, I could be expected to deal with these said people or person again. The most trying is that one of them acts as if in order to be friends with a person, one has to change for her benefit and no one else's. She also expected me to give up writing The Dragon's Library and write in a style that was not mine.

I don't understand the whole concept of making modernization when it benefits little to anyone when it is in the concept of writing. I write what I feel is needed and to have fun, the fact is that if it was work like some Ghost Writer, I would rather die. I am writing for myself and for fun, and people should understand. I never understood people who put down others just to make themselves look big, this is why I find people who tell me to grow up and that my concept of imagination is mentally ill.

I have dreamed of being a writer since I was little and yet, we have these so-called supporters of one group or other telling others to grow up or else. Since when has imagination been a mental illness? 

Unintentional going to con, NDK

Yes, I am a Colorado local and I attended Nan Desu Kan only from Sunday and did not intend much interest of it. I am usually interested in Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and novels, not much interest in Anime due to past drama inside their community. They seem to only focus on what is popular and not care about other's feelings and it kind of hurts when you have people who think that you are just a doormat to walk on.

The truth is, I had fun because there were a bunch of people who like the same kind of Anime I like, one being Slayers, Detective Conan, and a few others. I have been inspired as a writer when it comes to stories like these. Slayers reminded me of Dungeons and Dragons and sometimes even Legend. I wish some people would realize that I have a great love also for Detective Conan who is an amazing character who gets little to no respect in the fandom.

Truthfully, I would love to be a fan again and enjoy it, but after hearing about what happened to someone and a bunch of drama that followed, there is a reason I kind of want to stay away more. I will be cosplaying Detective Conan for fun, nothing competitive and I just think people who do something out of spite are immature. There are reasons that many people do not like us, we bring so much baggage nowadays.

I would much rather go back to NDK with the memories I have with the first time seeing models and also enjoying the artshow. That is the most honest answer I can give as M.M. Fenney the writer, the person who people wanted as a doormat kind of died, and she wants to just go back to being who she is. The writer in me will mention that as I see this, I want to go to see the models, the amazing artists and also the people in artist alley.

The sad news is my eyes are not always what they used to be and I have a cataract in one eye so seeing is the hardest part for me. So here I was talking to people and walking a con floor with a migraine from hell, and Aspirin does not work for me AT ALL! So yes, I am taking four tiny pills of aspirin to just function at a convention. Gee...I hope I can get this fixed soon.

So anyway with the con out of the way and I am ordering pictures, I will be ready for Daku Con, my panels are set.

My Panel's Are Up

Basically, I'm working on my panels for 2018-2019, yes, these are pretty late in the year, but Daku Con is in November and Colorado Anime Fest is in April 2019. So here I am at the end of July working on something I should have started back in June and compiling information. The truth is I was distracted by working on both my book and a fanfic.

While I admit yes, fan fiction was and is still a thing I do some of the time, it is to blow off steam and honestly, some don't end up on my pages due to issues I have had with some people. The reviews I got back in the day are pretty damn funny and yes, I cannot believe I wrote some of these stories because in all yes, they are all pretty bad.

My fiance has found me an artist for my book even though some of my artwork is my own doing and still as you can see for my blog, yes, some of the artwork is MINE. Truthfully I do not talk about the book work at the moment because I had a bit of a shock to deal with.

I have my opinions on books and have always disliked C.S. Lewis because he seemed to be always talking Religiously about things in his novels. There are just some things I try to avoid in my writing and that is putting a religion on my characters or an overtone of religions. The fact that I have one species in my story that live entirely without magic and yet are perfectly all right with that kind of things. Then there is the fact I did not write my stories to focus on religious aspects.

So that has been it so far. I am not really up for much chatter on the matter of the book work right now, it is more I am finishing up details and closing out my first book, then unto the second and third.

Delayed yet again and panels for November

I am delayed in finishing my posts yet again, and this is all due to my own problems being tired and working. Does not help that I am floating myself and fiance and the only breadwinner right now, so my focus has been split down the middle between bills that are late and my panels.

I am working on three panels, two are finished and finalized, the other is yet to have its powerpoint built so don't try and get me to write it all down. I am still researching material on Japanese Urban Legends.

I am also tired of being asked to do things and then at the last minute a friend or someone else will back out so yeah, that kind of happens. 

The saddest part is I cannot make Westercon this year and will be working on my panels and also writing my stories. Writing fantasy is getting harder and with how I see the world changing negatively, I am terrified if I do publish, my story will be lost in the midst of people who do not understand me. T_T Such is the way of things, but I will be working more

Setting up for writing draft 1

I have started working on my first draft, but my confidence is kind of shot, truthfully, I'm basically feeling cheap.The fact is I refused to allow my ex to touch any draft of the book I am working on and the reason is simple. He thinks he is all that an a bag of chips, mostly he feels he is entitled to stuff and comes from money. I really do not feel it makes him worth while to edit me or speak to me on the matter of my own writing.

I have been attempting to brighten my mood and I have not eaten in a day, which is not normal, usually I will have cereal or something, but I am just not interested in eating while I write. Not to mention, considering that right now, I am alienated to my writing, considering my ex is snippy and likes to dominate a room and attention.

I cannot afford to move out and live alone, but I really wish I could give my fiance his space and his friends. I would accept a job in Broomfield.

A convention attempt

I made it to Colorado Anime Fest on its last day, I was very impressed with the convention and for the most part of the people who were there. I would not mind working this convention as a panelist and also being again able to bring people the love of what research can bring.

The truth is, today was an escape from worrying about writing, I was wanting to just sit down and enjoy my photography and enjoy a convention.

This escape made so much easier and also made it more fun to come up with ideas of what my world in my stories should be like. I am trying so hard to convey something and somehow going to Colorado Anime Fest was well worth it.

I am still working on that dang scene

I have not spoken about what is going on in the scene in general because I have been sworn not talk about it. The truth is, that a scene of which a person gets their ego knocked down to the point he kind of deserves doesn't always work.