As fun as it is to write about my adventures in writing, but I have basically run out of story to write. As much as I can say something, Dragon's Library may never be published, I'm just not that good and it shows with the fact I lack the confidence to finish it.
As much as I want to finish the story, I can't...and for that I'm sorry. As much as I love to write stories about places that do not exist and about people who are amazing. I love Belsom, Quil'reca, Kel, Belinda and Dreselia, I'm just going to give up on this pipe dream, that's what it was. I wrote the story because I lost a good friend that I thought would last me a lifetime, but she would have rather run away from someone who did love her to a DJ who falsely claims we went to school together.
I personally wrote a character or characters that were so close to my friends, I made up stories to tell people about an amazing library that was kept by a fantastic lizard who loved his books and magic, but what a fool I am to believe anyone would read something I would write. Truthfully, as someone who went through the US Special Education program, I'm not supposed to be having this creative of a mind, and I'm supposed to be institutionalized, at least that is what a teacher told me once. As soon as a Special Ed kid graduates from high school, we're supposed to go to the state run nut houses and be committed for being considered unsuitable to live, at least that was what I was raised all my life to believe. My mom did not raise me, the schools did and that having this kind of story in my head is for the mind of a madman.
The truth is, how can I write anymore about the Dragon's Library when my confidence is so damn low that I can't even believe I write anything amazing. I see all the great books in the world and I think I can one day be sitting there watching people reading something I made and enjoy. Each time I wrote about Dreselia, I never thought about money, I thought about his story, that something just had to be said.
The first thing I wanted was a library filled with dragons, just dragons in every bookshelf, filled and protecting the beloved books. I wanted to shut myself off from contact because I was hurt by this one friend so horribly that no one could break the spell. Then Angel came along and asked me to tell a story, to tell her about the great and magical library and I never could finish the story. I wrote it all down in notebooks, I have the real story just in my head still and I decided to stop writing it because it will just upset myself more knowing that even if I published, I might be laughed at or ridiculed.
The one thing I hated growing up was being ridiculed and made fun of, having all the stories in my head, writing them down and then having a teacher tell me that my idea was stupid. Being sent off to the special ed room because could not keep up with what I was supposed to be doing and then being forced down to a subpar level and being told, "What do expect?" What did I expect? I don't know, maybe I should just tell people what I expect, to actually read my book and tell me that I'm not a total moron! I mean, honestly, I get called names like Snowflake, Libtard (which isn't a real word), and worse things now. To the point that maybe I have thought about just taking my own life and letting the library die with me, but my fiance keeps pulling me out.
I'm tired of the name calling the being treated like I do not matter in this world, I want to make a book that people want to read, that a fantasy fan can relate to. I want that one girl who looks at Belinda, no matter the race can say, "Hey, she's talking about me, I want to be a mage. I want to be exactly like Belinda Greene and fighting evil mages." I want to be something other than being reminded of being a Special Ed and being rejected by the very people I wanted to accept me.
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